Before I delve into the body of my post may I just say a sincere apology for falling off the face of the Earth for the entirety of June. It just was a hectic month. Let's leave it at that.
In this post, I want to get some feelings out (as if I don't do that in basically every post already, but whatever...) about a little inner crisis I've been having as of late. Okay, so maybe for the past few years...of my entire life.
And that, my sweet little muffins (I can call you that right?), is this crazy thing called "Growing Up".
I know, when did that become a thing, right? >.>
Of course I've always been aware of it. It's basically what our life is: you're born, you grow older and older and then you die. No point in beating around the bush, that's what we do, is it not? But, to prove that I'm not a completely morbid or depressing human, I do know that this "growing up" intermediate part of life is one of the most wonderful and fulfilling things ever.
But hey, it's kind of scary as hell too.
Lately, growing up has been freaking me out a bit more because all of a sudden, I'm realizing that at my age I am very much an adult. No matter how much I try to deny it by watching Disney Movies, listening to "kiddy" music or acting like a complete toddler whenever I'm within 10 ft of my Mum, I am an adult. With Adult responsibilities, like paying my phone bill, setting up appointments to get my car fixed (thanks to a recent-ish rear ending), buying food/ making said food edible for myself, paying rent and other countless things. And I have to do them. By. Myself.
*cue dramatic and/or terrifying music right about...now*
Don't get me wrong, being an adult has it's perks, just like any age range does. But just like with any change, I'm just not ready for all this. Yeah, I seem to be coping somewhat well. I mean, no one congratulates you on making sure you filled your SUV with gas that day. No big celebration for when I finally get the freakin' dishes DONE!! Nope, nothing is done because that's just a part of, oh wait, "Growing up". So it's hard to tell if I'm really doing it all well. I go by the philosophy that I' haven't killed myself or anyone else, so I must be good. But in all honesty, it would just be a little creepy if someone did do a cheer every time you made a meal. Though, if they helped out it wouldn't be such a bad thing. Just saying.
No, it's not just the fact that I'm suddenly becoming an adult after feeling as if I suddenly thrown into this role (though in reality, none of us really are), but rather that there are parts of it I'm not ready to experience or have others my age experiencing. Because I still think of us as little kids picking our noses. When did we all of a sudden become these people who have enough money to afford new vehicles, our own houses, engagement rings or to have new little people depending on us for everything. When I ask you!?!? I mean, weren't we just on the playground the other day, playing Sharks and Pirates (side note: epic game) or awkwardly dancing to some slow song at the school dance last night?
It's not that I'm not ready to letting go of being child exactly, but I'm just not ready to do certain things. Like I can't get engaged or married. Aren't I still too young or, or you know maybe I should be!? Everyone else seems to be. I should too, right? And what about having kids?? Everyone seems to have babies coming out their ying yangs (okay, maybe that's kind of correct...ummmmm). I can't have a little being depending on me. I can barely depend on myself to be honest! And owning a house?? Everyone else seems to. Oh my God, when did this all happen? and why am I not ready? I must be broken, there must be something wrong, I should be, I just can't, I mean....
And then I stop having a mini (major) meltdown and remember that there is nothing wrong with me or any other people who are at different life stages but similar in age. We're just exactly that: different. And we're doing what is right for us, when it feels right for us. So maybe I'm more comfortable with going to Uni and taking time for me before I do all that other grown up stuff. Maybe someone else my age already owns a posh house, with 2.5 kids and a marriage partner and a dog named Spot. Maybe another person is off travelling and has nothing but what they can fit in a backpack in their lives. That's the thing: each of us take this adventure, which goes by the name of "Life" , with our own path and in our own time. No one gives us set road map of what/how/when things are going to happen. We kind of just make up as we go along. So that when we get to where we want to go, we can look back and see the things we did as individuals and share it with whomever we want. Or no one at all. Like I said, I ain't going to tell you how to live your life. Other than, to do it the way you want.
That got super cheesy. Like four cheese pizza with some feta crumbled on top cheesy.
But it's true. And what I remind myself each time I have a mini (major) panic attack over whether or not I'm doing this whole "growing up" thing right. I know I am, in fact, doing it right. Because I'm doing it for me. And no other single human being on this Earth.
Until I have kids...
oh dear Lord, why did I just do that to myself.... here comes the pep talk...
Over and Meowt
Marli J
